A change of heart
by SammieeJay
Summary: Lanie realises she doesn't want to spend New Year's Eve at Castle's party...where does she go? What does she do?
1. New Years Eve Kisses

This is for Marine, Carolina and all the other hardcore Esplanie fans whom, like me, was/is deeply hurt there there will be no Esplanie in 5x19, even after it was teased by numerous people multiple times...

I had a lot of fun writing this, even if it did take FOREVER because I was imagining it all happening :p I could turn this into a multi chapter if you guys like it, so, let me know? Also, I'm sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors.

I hope you enjoy it - and that we will end up seeing some Esplanie...lets hope, eh? Big love, Sammiee.

**Change of heart.**

The loft was packed out completely, filled with writers like Cannell and Patterson, The mayor and of course; the precinct employees. But for Lanie, the atmosphere didn't feel right. At first, she had brushed it off and put it down to the fact that The Mayor was there. Well, it was a logical reason, wasn't it? She felt a hand rest softly on her shoulder whilst she swirled the contents of her glass around the edges lazily. Lifting her head slowly, she smiled, seeing Kate. "You're quiet," her voice was soft and concerned and Lanie couldn't help but smile. It was unlike her to be quiet and isolate herself during a party; but it didn't feel right. And as she processed it in her head, the idea as to why began to form. As Kate scanned the room with purpose, she smirked slightly, raising her eyebrows for the complete effect.

"Your midnight kiss isn't here, is he?" The knowing tone to her voice suggested to Lanie that there was no point in even arguing. So she just gave a small smile and passed her wine glass to Beckett while she stood up.

"Girl, I'm gonna go. Have a nice night, yeah? And make sure you give writer boy a New Years kiss." She winked, grabbing her purse and adjusting her dress. When she looked up from her dress, she laughed at Beckett glaring at her. Although, Kate knew she probably would end up kissing him - the rate he was pouring her the alcohol. Well, at least that was the excuse she would use.

-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-

It was flurrying when she stepped out of the door and Lanie looked up at the sky. As beautiful as the snow was, it was cold and sharp as it bit at her fingers whilst the wind kissed her cheeks in the perishing breeze. Large flakes began to fall from the heavens as if the angels were having a pillow fight above her head. Crisp white layers of snow covered every open spot of land; transforming the landscape; making it a magical land full of wonder and undiscovered mysteries. And there was only one place, out of all these places, that she truly wanted to be.

She wrapped her arms around herself, attempting to gain some warmth as she wandered around aimlessly. It began to snow heavier, falling fast and with ease, flakes of the crystallised H2O catching in her curled hair, making it glitter under the dimmed street lights. She stopped and smiled softly as she watched the snow, how it created random patterns within the air; how the snow would settle and dissolve slowly into the soft blanket which had already been formed. A shiver ran through her body as she stepped through a large patch of snow; the cold substance slipping inside her stiletto. She let out a breathy sigh, and watched it turn to water vapour before she carried on walking.

Her equilibrium was off balance and she was a bit shocked to find that she was now stood outside of Esposito's house; armed with a Chinese takeaway. When she had bought that, she couldn't quite remember, but she wasn't complaining. The delicious scents of Egg fried rice and Chicken Chow Mien invaded her nostrils and she inhaled, only then realising how hungry she was...and that she hadn't eaten all day. But, she wasn't quite sure if it was food that she was craving.

Almost cautiously, she lifted a fisted hand and knocked on the door, possibly, a little too hard and she cursed under her breath, remembering her own words. '_Lets not be one of those sad, desperate holiday hookups.'_ But somehow, this felt different. It didn't feel desperate, it felt real. She wanted this. She craved real, and she wanted him. She just hoped and prayed that he felt the same. Her heart almost stopped beating as he opened the door. Through the little crack in the half opened door, she could see that he was wearing one of his tight fitted t-shirts which, when they were together, made her go weak at the knees. Her mouth began to open and close, trying to formulate a sentence that would make sense, but for once; words failed her. Espo's eyes were also wide. she was stood on his doorstep, in the snow wearing a tight fitting black dress and stilettos, her hair hanging loosely around her neck in large ringlets. Her eyelashes had clearly been done with precision as each small eyelash had been covered equally and separated evenly. Her lips were painted in a deep shade of plumb; he loved that colour on her. He became aware that he was just standing there looking her up and down so tried to formulate some kind of sentence.

"Lanie?" She was undeniably glad to hear his voice, there was a questioning tone to it, but she also heard a hint of happiness which made her heart swell. "What are you doing here?" He asked, opening the door fully. "And...you have Chinese food?" at that point, Lanie let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, well done detective." She smiled and tilted her head, her eyes sparkling. They had the glint that he hadn't seen since they'd broken up - and it was what he had missed. Along with their relationship.

"And...you're here?" He sounded so sweet and shocked like he couldn't quite believe that she was there; with him. He hadn't for one minute thought that she would turn up on his doorstep at one minute to twelve. As she looked up at him, the snowflakes still in her hair as they continued to fall around her, he couldn't help put think how angelic she looked.

"I realised that I couldn't start the new year without you, Javi. It didn't feel right...but, this...this does..." The glint in her eye gave him the confirmation that he craved and he grasped her waist, pulling her through the door and against his toned chest, crushing his lips down onto hers. As she wrapped her arms around his neck, she dropped the takeaway on the floor; neither of them caring - both hungry for each other, rather than the Chinese food. As they kissed, the bell for midnight rang and both of their lips curved up into smiles against the others.

"Feliz año nuevo, Chica." He whispered into her ear as he softly began to kiss the area of delicate skin which lay there, drawing a soft moan from Lanie's lips.

"Happy new year, Javi."


	2. Booty Call?

**Can I just express how unbelievably dead I am after the 5x19 party scenes...they kissed. GUYS THEY KISSED AND THEY DANCED AND MAN, SHIT I DIED SO MANY TIMES. Anyway, the fact that I am still dying iI making it increasingly hard to write without doing a 'dhdsjkksjwk' at the end of a sentence, so.. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter. Once again, this is dictated to carol & Marine. :) I am either going to leave it here or carry it on as a fic, but I am not quite sure yet...let me know what y'all think? Sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors, Its 2:50am right now and I didn't sleep till 6:20 yesterday morning b/c of castle..ask I'm unbelievably tired but it's Esplanie so YAY. This is a lot longer than I intended, oops...yeah, I'm gonna stop babbling now. **

**SAMMIEE X**

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_**A change of heart. **_

_**Chapter Two.**_

Lanie's eyelids fluttered open as the sun shone through the window; capturing her tanned skin, making it glow and accentuating all her natural beauty. She batted her eyelashes four times, letting her eyes adjust to the light streaming in. She let out a yawn and let herself cuddle further down. And then, her eyes snapped open. She wasn't in bed...she was on his bedroom floor wrapped up in a quilt and, oh god...she wasn't alone. Then, she remembered. She remembered how she had turned up at Castles New Year's Eve party, the disappointment she felt when she realised Espo hadn't shown. Sh remembered her talk with Beckett and how she'd left, wandered around and ended up on Espo's doorstep...and now, they were here. On his bedroom floor; her back against his hard, toned chest. The events over the precious night flowed back to her, drawing a smile to her plump lips. How he had pushed her against the door as he kissed her, whispered in her ear to let her know how beautiful he thought she looked. She couldn't help but let out a soft whimper as she remembered the later stages f that night...oh yeah, she did love him playing doctor. The smirk on her face grew and she had to viciously bite at her bottom lip to stop herself giggling. She felt two arms wrap tighter around her waist and she turned her head slightly, kissing the very top of his chest, almost, where his heart lay. Sitting up in unison, they looked at each other, sat in the corner of his dully lit bedroom on his laminate floor. The windows were almost bursting at the seams now due to the early morning glow off the rising sun. Espo turned his head and looked at Lanie with a gentle smile playing on his lips before wrapping his arms around her. Her head and hands were resting contently on his muscular chest; both basking in each other's ambiance, creating each other's warmth. A blissful feeling had indulged itself onto both of them; signifying that this was not just a "booty call." It was real. Espo gave her that sweet smile, that one that she loved and craved, The smile which he reserved for her. Caressing her cheek softly with the pad of his thumb, he lifted her chin; their noses touching now as they stared longingly into each other's eyes. She could feel the warmth of his unsteady breath brushing the top of her lips. And, parting her lips slightly, she leant in towards him as he mirrored her actions; their eyelids closing over the closer they got. The loud vibrations coming from Lanies bag half way underneath the bed made the, both jump, foreshadowing Lanies response to curse as she saw the screen.

"Shit, I have to go..." She said through a breathy sigh, locking her phone again. "I wish people would stop getting murdered...I was looking forward to a round six." She smirked and leaned in, pressing her lips against his; pulling back before he even had the chance to respond.

"Yeah, me too..." He winked and looked her up and down. "You're hot you know." He added in addition to his previous statement.

Lanie let the covers out of her tight grip and smirked. "Yeah, I know." Came her, oh so simple, reply...which made Espo's eyes bulge. "Now, detective Esposito. I seem to remember we have bee through this once before but I will remind you. We cannot tell anyone about...us...no winking, no smiling, no puppy dog eyes...and most definitely no public displaying of affection, got it?" As she said this, she was experiencing déjà vu.

"Got it." Was his response, once again, and he left the room. Not course, not without taking another picture...only, this one was a lot more successful.

"Cause of death?" Beckett asked, eyeing up the suspect draping from the stage.

"There's multiple gunshot wounds to the chest, lacerations in her upper arms...and it looks like the vics blouse was ripped at the seam." Lanie answered, glancing over the body once again.

Crouching down, Kate eyed the gunshot wounds. "And time?" It was a little shaky as she stood up but she shook it off and smiled. As Lanie opened her mouth to speak, she was interrupted. Her head turned to the cause of the interruption and she glared, seeing Espo.

"Around 5:30 to 6:25 this morning." Espo spoke, discreetly looking Lanie up and down, mimicking a whistle.

"Oh, yeah, Doctor Esposito? And when did you become an M.E? Dressing up as one doesn't give you the degree ba-" she stopped herself when she realised what she was saying and everyone turned to look between her and Espo. "Are we missing something?" Ryan asked Javi, smirking to which, Espo just glared

"What's the bet they had sex last night?" Castle whispered in Becketts ear, watching as Lanie and Espo shot looks between each other.

"As she would say, she has the glow...I'd say its pretty high." Beckett smirked.

Running his hand through her thick dark chocolate hair, Espo smiled as as she lay I between his legs on the couch, her head on his chest. He was toying with the idea of bringing up a question he had wanted to for months, but he was finding it increasingly challenging to form a half-decent sentence.

"Lanie..." How voice was small, and he didn't stop running his hand through her hair, or stop tracing delicate circles on her shoulder. She dint reply with a sentence, just a hum from the back of her throat, her eyes still shut contently, her slender fingers enclosed around the poised wine glass perching on her flat stomach.

"Why...what made you so...angry...when Jenny mentioned marriage?" He asked slowly, and almost instantly regretted it as her eyes shot open, connecting with his. She swung her legs round and put her feet on the floor, looking down at them, looking anywhere but his eyes; the one place she needed to look.

"Espo, please. That doesn't matter. Not now." She was trying her hardest to stay strong, and with all due respect, she was doing a hell of a job. She sounded cold, and it scared him.

"How can you say it doesn't matter, Lanie?" He asked incredulously. "One day, I want to marry you. Have your children. But how can we think of doing that if you won't tell me why you acted that way? I want this, Lanie. I want all of it. I want the pointless bickering, the long walks, the late nighttime phone calls, the good morning texts. I want cute pictures with you, to hold your hand, to make food for you, call you baby. The joking, the wrestling, the fights, the long 'how I feel' texts after we make up. I want to be one of those inseparable best friend couples where people say 'What, are you two still together?' That's what I want. With you. Only you. But you need to open up to me, you need to let me in..." On the last word, Espos voice began to quiver, his eyes becoming increasingly blurred- much like Lanies. "Why are you so scared, Lanie? Let me in..." His voice was gentle, and, not a alight hint of a pressurising tone was present in his voice at all. Cupping her cheek in one hand whilst putting a finger from the other under her chin, he lifted her head so he could look her in the eyes. Once more, he let his warm breath wash over the soft skin of her face. "Let me in."


	3. Hidden Past

I've been having ideas and dilemmas over this chapter for so long, so I just put all my little character lines together and I came up with this.

This one is especially for my baby Tams. I love you, girl.

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A Change Of Heart

Chapter Three.

_**Warning**_: contains mild language occasionally and scenes/implications of domestic violence as well as child abuse.

* * *

"How can you say it doesn't matter, Lanie?" He asked incredulously. "One day, I want to marry you. Have your children. But how can we think of doing that if you won't tell me why you acted that way? I want this, Lanie. I want all of it. I want the pointless bickering, the long walks, the late nighttime phone calls, the good morning texts. I want cute pictures with you, to hold your hand, to make food for you, call you baby. The joking, the wrestling, the fights, the long 'how I feel' texts after we make up. I want to be one of those inseparable best friend couples where people say 'What, are you two still together?' That's what I want. With you. Only you. But you need to open up to me, you need to let me in..." On the last word, Espos voice began to quiver, his eyes becoming increasingly blurred- much like Lanies. "Why are you so scared, Lanie? Let me in..." His voice was gentle, and, not a alight hint of a pressurising tone was present in his voice at all. Cupping her cheek in one hand whilst putting a finger from the other under her chin, he lifted her head so he could look her in the eyes. Once more, he let his warm breath wash over the soft skin of her face. "Let me in."

Lanie lifted her head slowly and turned to look at Esposito - her eyes glassy as tears began to form.

"Espo, I..." She began, but her words got caught in her throat as it became increasingly hard to form an acceptable sentence.

She buried her face in his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her back; comforting her in the way only he could achieve.

All she could think about was how much she needed him. Needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her close and whisper softly in her ear that they'd find a way to get past all this, move on from her past and to promise her that he would find a way to make everything okay again. But, she knew that before that could happen, he'd have to know what 'everything' entailed. And that scared her.

"Espo...it's the past." She barely whispered - yet, still looked directly into his gorgeous eyes.

"I want to know you, Lanie." He finally spoke, and it left his lips in barely a whisper.

"That's the problem." It came out croaky, her words getting caught in her throat as the emotion overruled her. "I don't want people to really know me because when they do, opinions change. I'm not seen as the hard, nice, strong M.E that can stand around and talk about cause of death and fight her own battles at the same time anymore. I'm seen as the weak, broken little girl that has never forgiven her mom...but I'm till that girl, Espo. I'm still her, but anyone that's ever gotten to know me-to really know me- seems to forget that part. They see me for who I really am, they see me for what I've been through and not what I've overcome. They judge me based on my past and that's when they run. They always run." She sighed. "My last serious boyfriend...I went from being his everything and making him feel so special to being a stranger and him making me feel so useless. I just kept thinking over reasons why he left, you know? Was I too nice? Where did I go wrong? And then it hit me...he left after I told him what I need to tell you, and I swore to myself I'd never tell anyone again. It's okay though, now I know better than to trust the next guy who says he's never gonna leave." She felt a tear overspill her Speke and she instinctively swiped it away from her cheek before it reached her chin.

"Lanie." Espo spoke sternly, now. "I would never leave you; you should know that. I've been head over heels for you since I first set eyes on you." He told her, taking her hands within his, tracing his thumbs over her hands gently, in a way he hoped was soothing her.

As she looked up into his eyes, she saw only honesty and it made her heart throb.

"My dad...I remember one night...he pushed my mom aside, into a corner, so there was no escape. She screamed and she cried but he ripped her from within, he didn't let her move. He shook his head and swung his hand fast at her face with a loud slap, the metal of their wedding ring scratching her cheek. He hit her face and she fell to the floor...he carried on until she was deadly silent and I can remember finding it hard to breathe; keeping my tears in, petrified of what he'd do to me if he knew that I'd seen...he made her swear, muttering viciously 'Never say a word'...she laid there quiet, but moved her neck enough for an acknowledgeable agreement." Her tears are falling fast, and her eyes are still locked onto his.

"Oh, god...Lanie..." He said quietly, gripping her hands even tighter whilst pulling her over to sit on his lap. And in that moment, it all came flooding back to her.

_She curls up in a ball, her knees tucked into her chest and her palms pressed firmly against her ears in attempts to block out the screaming of her mother. As she hears another yell, she cowers timidly, acknowledging the nearing footsteps of her father; the loud bangs against the hard wood floor resounding throughout the house and she squeezes her eyes shut, frantically swiping away all her previously shed tears with hope she will endure no more pain...for now. And soon, tears are streaming down cheeks of childhood long gone, as streaks of pain put out the flame of wonder lost that won't return. _

As she comes out of the memory, she reflects by staring junto the distance. "I act like a bitch who doesn't care about heartbreak or being alone, or anything else, actually. But in reality...I'm just fucking scared out of my mind. I'm not a bitch. I've just been through a few things, seen a few things, been there and done that, you know? Yes, I guess I'm cold now but only because I once gave a damn about someone who didn't give a damn about me. I've built walls around myself, Espo; to protect my heart from more hurt and damage. I won't believe you if you tell me you're not different...not just yet anyway. You have to stick around and prove it to me. Words no longer mean a thing. Your actions are everything. My mom didn't scare about me...she knew what Dad did to me, and she still didn't divorce him. she carried on letting me suffer..." She spoke softly wincing at the memories, her eyes fixated on a point in the room he couldn't quite follow.

"It's like I'm fine when people are around me, and I seem happy. But when I'm alone I completely break down. And sometimes, I don't even know the reason why. Truth is; even if I'm not sad, I'm still not happy. You're the only one that's made me happy, Javi. Only you."

"Thats because I want you happy, I want to make you happy. And, I know it'll take time for you to realise, Lanie...but when I look into your eyes I see my girlfriend that I wanna make my wife. I look at you sleep and think that all I wanna do is grow old with you, be the perfect man for you. I don't care where we live, what we do, how much money we have...as long as I have you by my side, the whole way and your past, will never change my wish."

As she reached up, resting her hand on his cheek her shirt sleeve slipped and he noticed a part of her he never had before.

"Lanie..." He said through a gasp, and she have obviously become aware of what he had seen because she began to quickly threw down her sleeve, but was stopped as Espo caught her arm in his hand.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He whispered, looking at her scars, before lifting her wrist up and trailing gentle kisses along the healed scars.

"Because." She replied simply. "I can hurt myself but I can't hurt you."

As he searched her features, he felt his love, admiration and respect for this woman grow significantly more than what it was. "I love you, Lanie." He whispered. It was quiet enough so that if she didn't reply, he could convince himself that it was because he hadn't heard...but if she did reply, that would tell him what he needed to know.

"I know you do, Espo." She nodded, and a slight glint in her eye told him that she loved him too. He pulled her into to his chest and kissed her cheek, holding her close to his chest, her head laying on top of his heart, listening to the soothing sound of his breathing patterns.

She wasn't bitter, she was still sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. And with time, she hoped they would find a way; no matter the inevitable obstacles.


End file.
